Mercy Replies #2

Reply #2

"Don’t pay them any attention."

"I'm ignoring you."

This is a reflex; these are my reflexes. This is a defensive response taught to me from an early age.

“Don’t pay them any attention.” Said my Mother, Grandmother, Aunties (all of them), Great Aunties and wise protective teachers who wanted me to have some technique for surviving the endless assault to my person-hood.

As an adult I am an adept; I can ignore anyone, any message that is unsolicited. I would say that I have successfully skirted abusers and other bullies: cultural messages (often known as statistics) that predict I will be a failure in my own life, rules and patterns (known as traditions) that lure me toward self-oppression, and endless recountings of nightmare tales that restrict livelihood and liveliness with paralyzing fear.

Yes. I am afraid. But to the untrained eye I look unafraid. I look fearless, but actually I am simply de-colonized. I am simply free and un-owned.

And yet, my escape has left me country-less. By opting out, I find that I am often left out.

But I’d rather be safe and intact than included and diminished. And yes, I understand that this skillful habit of ignoring and maintaining and ignoring again has ruined my capacity for trust. But a girl can't have everything.

I do not trust enough to give my attention to these letters. For where I put my attention is where my energy goes. And the use of energy is expression of available power. I want to keep my power.